Current Reading

Are You Mad at Me? Meg Josephson, LCSW

Are You Mad at Me? is a great exploration of the fawn response, anxiety around what other people think of us, and how we release these fears to start embracing who we are. Here are some of my takeaways from this book.

First, what is the fawn response? Similar to fight, flight, or freeze, the fawn response is our brain’s response to a real or perceived threat. The fawn response is about becoming more appealing to the threat, being liked by the threat, satisfying the threat, and being helpful and agreeable to the threat; all with the goal of achieving safety. The trick is, we don’t always need it. We often aren’t in danger, our brains just perceive it. People who fawn often notice a hyper-vigilance of what other people are feeling, they may find that they have a tendency to people-please, they also might avoid conflict, and they often have a hard time recognizing and prioritizing their feelings and needs.

Sound familiar? Here are some ideas about how to break patterns of fawning and reconnect with yourself. First, recognize that we are not our thoughts and our thoughts are often untrue. Take a moment to challenge your anxious thoughts as they come up. Next, recognize that it is okay to feel uncomfortable emotions. We often fawn because we don’t want to feel sad, or frustrated, or anxious. These feelings are natural and its healthy to let ourselves feel them. Then, take a moment to ground yourself. Fawning can be exhausting so engage in some deep breathing, meditation, or movement. As hard as it may be, its helpful to remember that conflict is inevitable. It’s not a bad things to have conflict. Try to reframe it as something that is natural and normal in relationships. Communication can have the benefit of bringing us closer to one another. Finally, don’t forget boundaries. Don’t be afraid to say no. Check in with yourself first. What do you want? What are you comfortable with?

While you may not currently feel connected with yourself, you are there. We just need to uncover you. Pause and think of yourself first. What do you feel? What do you want? if this is hard, think back to childhood you. What would they feel? What would they want? Trust yourself. Everyone has intuition within them, you just may have to listen.

Book Recommendations

• Depression and Anxiety
  • No Bad Parts by Richard C. Schwartz , Ph.D.
• Relationships
  • Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab, LCSW
  • The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman, Ph.D
  • You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For by Richard C. Schwartz, Ph.D.
  • Attached by Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S. F. Heller, M.A.
• Sex
  • Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D.
  • Come Together by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D.
• Trauma
  • The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, M.D.
  • Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson, PsyD
• Parenting
  • Good Inside by Dr. Becky Kennedy
  • The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D

Local Support

• Calm Waters Grief Counseling
• Halo Project Making Sense of Your Worth Group Counseling
• Halo Project Foster and Adopted Families Counseling
• Oklahoma Sex and Relationship Institute
• Diversity Center of Oklahoma
• Palomar Family Justice Center
• Reeder Psychiatry

Guides

• Grounding Techniques
• Journaling Guide
• Communication Guide
• Challenging Thoughts